Bloodstained Gary Bettman: 'I Have Taken The Necessary Measures To Ensure A Crosby-Ovechkin Final' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: NEW YORK—Addressing reporters yesterday in an unnervingly calm tone of voice, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman—his hands, face, and white-collared shirt covered in blood—said that any obstacle standing in the way of both Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin playing in the Stanley Cup Final has been "taken care of." "Sometimes you have to put the greater good of the league ahead of the fact that the [Pittsburgh Penguins and Washington Capitals] are in the same conference. Unfortunately for some, that point needed to be made...how should I put this...more clearly," Bettman said as he removed black leather crimson-splotched gloves from his hands and what appeared to be an ear from his jacket pocket. "Needless to say [NHL Players' Association executive director] Paul V. Kelly, [New York Rangers General Manager] Glen Sather, and Mario Lemieux will not be attending this press conference as was originally scheduled." When Bettman asked if there were any questions, no reporters raised their hands.
And apparently they follow hockey!
Colbert — And His Wife — Rock The New Yorker Fest: How he met Jon Stewart: Actually, he was hired but had yet to meet Jon, who had just been hired as host. There was a press conference with the head of Comedy Central to announce it, and Colbert, newly-minted correspondent, said, "Shouldn't we be covering this?" So off he went, and asked a question, announcing himself as "Stephen Colbert, Daily Show" and asked something like, "It was my understanding that I was in the running to host the Daily Show, how does your appointment affect my chances?" Jon looked over at the head of Comedy Central and said, "I thought you said he wasn't funny." Pretty auspicious beginning, I'd say.
Tomatoes tainted with salmonella have sickened dozens of people in nine states, the CDC and FDA warn.
[ Web MD ]
Update: The menace grows:
Now, the CDC reports that at least 167 people in 17 states have been infected with Salmonella Saintpaul, the salmonella strain involved in the current outbreak. Those 17 states are Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Michigan, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Oregon, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, and Wisconsin.
[ Web MD ]
InfraRecorder is a free CD/DVD burning solution for Microsoft Windows. It offers a wide range of powerful features; all through an easy to use application interface and Windows Explorer integration.
[ InfraRecorder ]
They forgot to mention their sense of humor:
Burn baby, burn!
Note: ISO in question? Ubuntu 7.10 Desktop, hopefully running on a few PCs throughout the house soon...
homestarrunner.com's Strong Bad and the Environment:
[ Lappy 486 ]
 Back in the day Dari wrote up a little piece about this time of year, but everyone who had it lost it. This year Dari has resurrected the piece in spirit, so read it, laugh, and then make copies!
Upon entering your local Starbucks, stride purposefully to the counter to place your order. You want a Gingerbread Latte, and you shall not be denied. Whether that latte be venti, decaf, or skim be sure to project your order with certainty and pride. Let all the other customers know what you are about to do. They will admire you.
[ Getting the Best Out of Your Starbucks Gingerbread Latte ]
Image Courtesy of georgie_grd on Flickr.
40 Kids have 40 days to build a brave new world without adults to help or hinder their efforts. Can they do it? These Kids, ages 8-15, will turn a ghost town into their new home. They will cook their own meals, clean their own outhouses, haul their own water and even run their own businesses including the old town saloon (root beer only). Through it all, they'll cope with regular childhood emotions and situations: homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule they've ever known.
[ Kid Nation on CBS ]
I was disappointed when in episode 7, the bullies smashed Piggy's glasses and no one seemed to respect the conch anymore. The clips for next weeks show some kind of boulder falling off of a cliff, hope it doesn't hit anyone...
Larry Wilmore is one funny cat. Did a piece on the Daily Show about Obama and his blackitude, and ended the piece with a bit of Parliment's Chocolate City. I think it's genius and Obama should use it as his campaign music from this point out.
Tell 'em to make sure they got their James Brown pass
And don't be surprised if Obama is in the White House
[ Lyrics for Parliament's Chocolate City ]
have any of you lovely Lifehacker readers been bullied at work? How did you handle it?
[ Stop the office bully - Lifehacker ]
Oddly we have no bullies at my job. It's like I tell the low-life losers that I work with, "Get my work done on time, make sure the lunch your wives make are suitable to my taste, and no one gets hurt."
You cannot resist the über-cuteness of Hello Kitty! Cuteness factor 10, full ahead! She'll surf into your heart, and surf away with your money. Bow down and kowtow to her eternal cuteness. You think you are cute? You can't handle the cute!
Seriously, it's like printing money. And now they are combining 2 of the 3 great loves of 11 year old girls everywhere, Hello Kitty and Build-a-Bear Workshop. If they can tie in to Libby-Lu's, we're all up the creek.
However, type away:
Enjoy a drink while you work—this keyboard is designed to withstand an accidental spill.
[ Microsoft Hardware ]
So, the way I read it, a few double neat scotches are fine, and if you get so drunk that you fall on the keyboard, Microsoft has your back...
Sometimes a convergence of ideas and technologies come together to form something that is greater than anyone could have every imagined. This is just such a case.
Wedding Crashers Movie Preview (featuring Spongebob Squarepants)
Props: Gibson
Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
Update on the famous sex.com case hit Yahoo! News via USA Today today:
The case has served as a cautionary tale. Cohen, 57, who built a cyberporn empire in the late 1990s based on the Sex.com name, vows to clear his name. Kremen, 41, a boy wonder of e-commerce in the early 1990s, has bankrolled a phalanx of lawyers and private detectives in the hope of hunting down Cohen and collecting his judgment.
[ Yahoo! News - Appeals court upholds Sex.com ruling ]
Interesting that the story focuses more on the personalities than the legal precedent that this sets, but I had to chuckle when I get to the bottom of the story and see the "context sensitive" advertisement:
Oh peoplefinders.com, usa-people-search.com, and findpeopletoday.com; if it were only that easy...
Do something stupid:
...the Guy Who Was So Into Super Monkey Ball Deluxe That He Decided To Live in a Ball.
[ The True Adventures of Chad... ]
I'm still not sure if this is stupid funny or stupid stupid, but if he ends up dating the ponytail girl, it could lean more toward funny.
Apple users think their OS is soooooo superior to Windows, well witness:
A few days ago I needed to install software from ISO images. There were two possibilies[sic]: burning the ISO images to a CD-ROM or using a virtual CD-ROM drive that can mount ISO images. My preference went out to the latter, so I decided to Google for it. And apparently Microsoft has an unsupported "Virtual CD-ROM Control Panel for Windows XP".
[ Tom's corner - Mounting ISO images in a virtual CD-ROM drive ]
Now Windows has a non-supported, hard to find, extra install to give it much needed functionality that MacOS has had for about a decade or so. Take that Steve Jobs!
Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.
[ Welcome to Canada, Eh? ]
Props to Mikah.
Google, seriously ticked off with the likes of Apple and BMW has announced a new product:
With the new product, the Mountain View, Calif.-based company hopes to broaden its search-appliance business to cater to smaller businesses with fewer documents and tighter budgets. The blue box, which plugs into a corporate intranet and searches up to 50,000 documents, was launched Thursday at Google.com for $4,995.
[ Google unveils budget search appliance | CNET News.com ]
Starbucks has commented that they wish they had called the Chantico the Cocoa Mini...
Props to Mak.
Even though I had seen this skit before, it just hit me when they got to this line:
That's right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they'd be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
[ DynaCorp ]
Oh man, SNL is good stuff.
Odd British usage of the word “instructed”:
Ex-singer Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, says he has instructed lawyers after being refused entry to the US.
[ BBC News | World | UK Edition ]
Clearly Islam doesn't realise that he's not the issue, but the moon shadow that follows him.
Perhaps not your typical story about the hometown boy, but he's not your typical hometown boy....
In what could be the biggest talent deal in basic-cable history, comedian Dave Chappelle has re-upped with Comedy Central for two more seasons of Chappelle's Show and will get a hefty cut of its DVD sales.
[ Yahoo! News - Chappelle: Laughing all the way to the bank ]
And no, I don't mean boy like that, you horrible, horrible people.
Way to go Dave! You da man!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
[ Banana ]
I couldn't have said it any better. (And yes Nate, I know you blogged about this months ago...)
せっかく世界中からメッセージをもらっているんだから、もらった国を塗っていこう！と、4月から始まったこの企画。今週から日本バージョンも登場です！番組でメールが読まれたアナタのいる国、地域を塗っていきます！あなたの住んでいる地域にいないとわからないレアな情報を教えてね！ ←地図をクリックで大きな画像が見られるよ！ アナタのいるところはもう塗ってある？まだならニヤリ。メール送っちゃいましょ！
[ J-WAVE WEBSITE : MUSIC HYPER MARKET ]
 I think that says it all. In case your Japanese is rusty, 81.3 FM in Tokyo wants to hear from you if you listen to their station on the 'net. They are coloring political regions red as people write in to them. Especially needed are people from Africa and the Mid-East. And if you don't think that they're serious about this, check out the DJ.
I've been listening for about 20 minutes this morning and they've mentioned the “Paint it Red” project 3 times, so you know they must be serious about it. And some Japanese girls keep giggling. Plus they played a song!
If they do get around to playing more songs, though, I fully expect a playlist like thier sister “over-the-air” station, which appears to bow to no specific musical type. And I think with a little begging, I can get them to play some Spork! Oh, wait, I don't know how to beg in Japanese...
We can't even all agree on some basics about shoe sizes. Check out this International Shoe Size Conversion Charts/Converter Tables for Shoes Sizes and marvel over the seemingly random numbers picked. Some countries have separate systems for men and women, some don't. Are women's feet that different? Check out Australia, they seem to have borrowed their sizes, men's from UK men's, women's from US men's.
I figure that everyone should just adopt the Korean system, and then we can work on world peace, it'd be a snap after that.
"He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."
[ CNN.com - Rhino gets amorous with car ]
Renault, Rhino, I guess they sound a bit similar.
Props to Big G.
Google is interviewing candidates for engineering positions at our lunar hosting and research center, opening late in the spring of 2007. This unique opportunity is available only to highly-qualified individuals who are willing to relocate for an extended period of time, are in top physical condition and are capable of surviving with limited access to such modern conveniences as soy low-fat lattes, The Sopranos and a steady supply of oxygen.
The Google Copernicus Hosting Environment and Experiment in Search Engineering (G.C.H.E.E.S.E.) is a fully integrated research, development and technology facility at which Google will be conducting experiments in entropized information filtering, high-density high-delivery hosting (HiDeHiDeHo) and de-oxygenated cubicle dwelling. This center will provide a unique platform from which Google will leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility.
[ Google Job Opportunities: Google Copernicus Center is hiring ]
Why are these movies so funny?
What are these people really saying?
What do the Danish do for fun?
What does Fanta Shokata taste like?
None of those answers and more can be found at: FantaShokata
I've just noticed that this weeks “Strong Bad Email” is numbered 99. I expect that means next week's will be number 100 and a special event. In the off chance that the Brothers Chap read my blog, feel free to take my suggestion and go all out.
Tired of the same old Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts? The Madison Planning Board tonight takes up a man's application to open a topless coffee shop on Main Street.
[ Yahoo! News ]
No shirt means nowhere to put the “contents are extremely hot” warning...
Presidential candidate Howard Dean once again stuns America by switching to a passive campaign. Pundits suspect that this will save Dean millions of dollars, and possibly increase his chances of winning.
After failing to win a single state in the Democratic primaries and caucuses, former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean pulled the plug Wednesday on his once seemingly unstoppable presidential campaign. "I am no longer actively pursuing the presidency," Dean announced to supporters in Burlington, Vermont. But he said he would build a "new organization" to continue advancing his goals for the Democratic Party.
[ CNN.com - Dean suspends presidential campaign ]
I'm taking on the link forwarding sites with a twist. You're familiar with shorterlink.com and tinyurl.com, next up? way-too-freaking-long-link.com
We'll guarantee URLs of at least 1,900 characters. We'll use characters that email packages like to wrap or garble. We'll use random static to ensure that 3 out of every 10 links sent don't work quite right. And we'll have interstitials and pop-unders on every page.
I'll be sooooo rich, I just know it.
Here's a simple 3 part process, outlined by Bram Moolenaar of gvim fame, that has the potential to stop all virus written emails (hyper links are mine):
VIRUS FLOOD
There is a very busy virus/worm active now. Although my system won't be affected, the number of messages I receive is so big that I can hardly manage to keep up with downloading them from my mail server. A few messages might get lost in the masses (I already got more than 10000).
- If you have an MS-Windows system, you MUST have a virus scanner and update it daily. There are too many ways to catch a virus or worm now. Don't think it won't harm you.
- If you maintain a mail server, please install a virus filter. And set it up so that it won't bounce a message back (the From address is mostly fake, it will just generate more traffic and tell innocent people that their system is infected).
- If you wrote that virus, please report to the nearest police station and go to jail.
[ vim-announceATvimDOTorg ]
Who could ever have guessed that Flying Monkey Underwear would have nothing to do with the Wizard of Oz, and be a big hit with the ladies? Perhaps Sir Raffles was on to something.
Women in Singapore are buying their husbands special Chinese New Year briefs, hoping to bring them good fortune and increase their sexual potency.
[ Yahoo! News ]
I guess it's just the gamer in me, but this week's sbemail made me giggle like a japanese school girl.
“Because you can't control me.”
[ Strongbad ]
Update: Koosh seems to agree.
Reuters - Almost every second German is cheating on, or has cheated on, their partner, according to a new survey. A November survey of 1,059 men and women aged between 20 and 60 by the Hamburg-based GEWIS research institute for "Stern" magazine showed 51 percent of men and 43 percent of women said they had cheated at least once on their partner.
[Yahoo! News - Oddly Enough ]
Most site porn distributing vicar and frequently naked co-eds as reasons for their behavior.
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